a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
