I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
