I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
