Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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