Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
we're so committed to being not committed
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
