Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
