well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
