My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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