My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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