rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i love accidental penises.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
