I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
