life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
