We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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