I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
