how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
