what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
