Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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