Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
