nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
