The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
