I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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