Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
