Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
