it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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