I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
