This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
