He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
