Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
