woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Pooping to opera.
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