Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
