Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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