Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
