i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
lets start a swedish sibling band together
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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