i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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