i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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