Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
