He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
