yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
