Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
