if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
