I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
