I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
