you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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