I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
