No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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