So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
