He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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