chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
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So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
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The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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