Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
