I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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