I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
