The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
