we're chasing vodka with high fives
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
FUCK WHALES
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