remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
