yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
