Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize