Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
