I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
