I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
