By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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