i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
